Ignorant_Florist wrote:My mind was working faster than the speed of light.

Ignorant_Florist wrote:
Look, I've been in a fantastic mood from the moment I woke up this morning. Honestly, I haven't been in THIS good of a mood for this many hours in a row in......... fuck, can't remember how long.

My sense of humour has been "off the charts" offensive, and this is to the people who KNOW me personally. They should have known..... but apparently not quite.

Anyhow....

Katina and I went out grocery shopping today (pretty sure I mentioned this in another thread) with our friend Susan.

I love Katina, this is well known. I also love Susan like a "sister from another mister". I don't think she was quite ready for the shit that spilled from my cake-hole today. Hell, my blood sister usually has issues with some of the shit that comes out of my mouth. Katina and I have lived together for at least 12 years, and been married for 11 of those years. So she knows the kind of shit that escapes my mouth.

Still..... I don't think EITHER of them were prepared for the jokes that I came up with today.

An example: Susan was looking for "Silicone" to plug a part of her basement wall.... I knew what she meant, and what she wanted.... but when she asked an associate at Walmart for Silicone... Before I could clamp my hand over my mouth, I said, "Have you tried checking the younger women who work here?"

Yeah, it was a "breast implant" joke... and Susan "got it".... but her and Katina were mortified that I put it that way.

Shit... before we even got to Walmart, we were in line at Wawa. Susan went first, then Katina and I were up. As we were being waited on, Susan tried "busting in line" because of an issue on her order. I said, very loudly, "Excuse me, lady! Pressing your boob into my arm is sexual harassment! It's even worse because my WIFE is standing right next to me!" And the guy ringing us up didn't know whether to shit or wind his watch. I mean, his brain literally seized up, because he wasn't sure who was "the bad person" in that situation.

I literally couldn't stop laughing until 20 minutes later. I was fuckin' dying laughing! I honestly want to contact the store manager, to see if I can get ahold of the store's security footage of that... because that's fucking GOLD!

The entire time we were in Walmart, I kept slapping my hand over my mouth.... because if I didn't, I would have either embarrassed them, or gotten us thrown out of the place.

You KNOW you done fucked up, when you get thrown out of a Walmart.

Finally, they both got pissed at me for constantly clamping my hand over my mouth. So, "Okay.... you want to hear it rather than see me try to NOT say it? Fine with me."

Not 10 minutes later, they were both telling me to "stop saying that shit". I reminded them that THEY were the ones who bitched me out about putting my hand over my mouth, for THAT very reason...

I was on point today. I wasn't going to let anything ruin the good mood I was in. But that didn't mean I wasn't going to push as many buttons as I could find, either.

My mind was working faster than the speed of light. My sense of humour was so dark that the police would shoot it on sight. While *I* thought the situation was amusing, apparently, those around me didn't feel the same way.

It didn't stop when we left Walmart, either. Our normal shopping trip takes us to Walmart, then back towards home with a stop at Lidl.

Jesus, I was even MORE "obnoxious" there.... they both just kept saying things that triggered my sense of humour into action.

I'm fairly sure that I will only be asked to make a list for shopping, until the end of the year. I'm also fairly certain that everything on that list will make its way home.

Well, whatever works, right? Heh.

Dammit... this isn't where I wanted this to go.... maybe I'll remember where I did want it to go when my BAC is back to acceptable levels.....

(read: 4x the legal limit)

Matt_tfc wrote:

Yeah, taking amphetamine sulphate can do that.